Action Item: Theme Song

[Ty Hardaway dot com Theme Song]

So, Manniyer Marcos wanted me to "follow up on the excellent idea from the comments" and create a theme [clicky]. So I go and make one (click above) and he's like, "There's no hook! That'll never work in a million years and we only have seven days till launch!"

So that was a wasted hour.

-------------------
Rain's Blues, 2007
Rain's Twos, 2007

Of Trees (again)

It is a fact that I like trees.

[trees]

Exploring Your Inner Killer

Last week I threw a theoretical/philosophical question into the interweb winds (and straight into my FBI/NSA file). The question was:

Would you make a better SERIAL KILLER or an ASSASSIN?

The responses were really, really fascinating to me. So much so that I'm gonna beat this question like a dead horse (what a weird saying).

It's an interesting question because it cuts to the psychological core of our personalities; how we (hypothetically) put ourselves into difficult roles. It's how we see ourselves, really. It's a highly intellectual thread for once. It's one that gets my social psychology training all tingly like Spider-Man's special senses.

The feedback--from my friends--to date:

• I would want to be an assassin. It works better with my personality. I am not spontaneous. I plan everything. I think spontaneous people make better serial killers and planners make better assassins.

• I'm w/^^^.

• Ahhh. I like the planner vs. spontaneous argument. But, successful practitioners of both vocations never get caught. Who's to say? Unlike assassins who are typically hired to work (and are thus externally motivated), SK's typically do it for themselves (internal loci). Perhaps a more cogent argument would revolve around competitiveness; doing a job vs. the thrill of ratcheting up numbers and getting away.

• Well, I am competitive, and I do like to win....so I'm still going to go with assassin. It's a game I'd always get to win, and I'd get the final word too! ;-) Oh, and also, I don't like to lie or deceive people, and you have to be good at that to be a serial killer:

"Hey, come into my apartment and let me tell you about Jesus" *strangle strangle strangle*

Nah, serial killing just isn't "me", ya' know?

• I can be a little bit of both. It all depends on the circumstances, and the nature of The Kill. I'm just sayin'.

• Assassin. I don't like to take my work home with me. Assassinate, go home.

• Good point, ^^^! Way to have that work-life balance. I guess serial killing would be all Type-A workaholic and stuff.

• SK's do it with soul.

• SKs have no soul. Assassins are methodical and muli-taskers. Their intelligence is high. They are perfectionists and highly skilled. The worst description for an Assassin is that they are mean. SKs are insane. Even if SKs pull off a long history of "the kill", in the long run, they are koo koo for Coco Puffs. No exceptions.

• Assassin. Everyone already said why + I am that person who carries bugs and spiders out of the house instead of killing them. The killing would have to be someone else's idea.

• See - ^^^ brings up a very valid point. A Serial Killer chooses their own victims, whereas an Assassin - well, as good as they are - they have someone above them in the chain of command telling them who to eliminate. I much prefer making my own decisions. Although, I can be swayed with reasonable data.

• Me too. I will not kill insects or arachnids unless necessary (in crib, etc.). Locus of control is important. Who's calling the, er, shots is important. But, for me it still comes down to...ratcheting up the numbers and staying clean. Think: Dexter.

• I ABSOLUTELY prefer making my own decisions, which is why this is a tough one. I am a methodical, competitive, planning, organized multi-tasker, so I could maybe be OK-ish as long as I could afford to choose to turn down assassin gigs if I didn't want to work for the hiring party for some reason.

• In the end, SKs make mistakes because they have to continue a string of scenarios. Dexter is falling apart, these days. Assassins start "anew" with each assignment. Not to mention there is big money in assassination. You are your own boss because you are a contractor. You can make your own schedule. You can, simply, say you are unavailable on any given day. Come to think of it, I have been looking for a job for months, with no success... hmmmm...

• Glass half full, ^^^! We should start a...uh, "consulting service."

• I am a great shot! Um... I mean, I have excellent administrative skills.

• Oh, and I'm a great shot too!

So while the majority of people who responded to the old pop quiz selected "assassin," I think that some of the sociopaths out there are sociopathically lying and would actually choose to be and actually execute (nopun) the serial killers job better. I believe that people romanticize the assassin role (Robert Ludlum has sold, what, 290 million copies of his books?) and stigmatize that of serial killer. One is crazy and the other is somehow dutiful to client.

But I don't see the two as fundamentally that different. Both of these killing professions require a great deal of social, physical, and emotional skill.

Social: both practitioners have to successfully and invisibly get into situations, blending and persuading but never standing out. Then you have to as cleanly disappear as you appeared.

Physical: there is a certain amount of effort involved in performing your job duties for each gig (i.e. "*strangle strangle strangle*).

Emotional: Not only do you have to lie, a lot, but, like "Ice" said in West Side Story: "Yeah, now you all better dig this and dig it good. No matter who or what is eatin' at you, man, you show it and you are dead. You are cuttin' a hole in yourselves for them to stick in a red hot umbrella and open it. Wide. You wanna live in this lousy world? You play it cool." I rest my case.

But maybe it's the motivation and goals that differentiate. So I'm leaving the question open. I need to hear more.

Me? I couldn't hurt a fly. Really. I'm a hippie, liberal, pacifist. If you shut off the power and I couldn't recharge my iPhone, I'd curl up on the floor and rock myself for comfort. And remember, I'm your friend. :)

"I expected someone like you. What did you expect? Are you an assassin?"

- Colonel Walter E. Kurtz

Just Another Manniyer Monday

Oy vey!

The phone just wont stop vibrating.

{Manniyer Mark} {Manniyer Mark} {Manniyer Mark}

I returned his "answer your phone" text with a text indicating, "Oh, I don't know where my phone is."

Yes. We are "on" for Tuesday's "standing meeting." Tuesday's tomorrow, right?

Yes. I am "on schedule" for November 30 launch. I just wish I knew what I was launching.

Yes. I have heard of Stuff White People Like. Like, who hasn't heard of SWPL by now.

Yes. We're selling merch. We've grossed $24! And Cafe Press pays out at $25. So, zero to date.

Yes. We have to "get people to tell their friends" about my site. Bring readership to 4!

Yes. I will try to get you a Washington Rednecks cap.

Yes. I will ponder your newest idea:

"what if we take the project to a whole other level, create TKOL blog to set the scene and then shoot 30 minutes shows to air on the site and on youtube. Use the neighborhood as our screen stage and characters in your life here and on the net as cast? Why create the idea and farm it out when we can start with it. Goal of one new show a month and create a follwoing?

idea, create a fake KOL club house up in the attic of the garage where we hang out and the wives dont know about it. Each of your advetures a show with a new nutty person per episode and one new TY character per show (buckwheat TY) Obamas borther TY

the premise of the show is what we are doing. The meeting to sellout and make money, but we have nothing to sell so each episode is a new idea with your life as KOL taking the spotlight"

I'm Wayne's World Priceless Banter meets Seinfeld the Willard Gentlemen's Club now.

All I wanted to post, this week, was my "Don't Hate Me Because I Feel Thanksgiving Sucks" and my "Serial Killer vs. Assassin" pieces. Now I have to make racist characters. Don't I have a real KOL clubhouse already?

Hella Tite 'Washington Rednecks' Limited Ed. Straight Brim (via Rickey Powell, Berkeley)

See, sending free shit to me is the best in win-win situations!

More Stalker Gifting (Lawn Ornament Edition)

Marketplace Sellout

[Father of the Year set]

Suburban Triptych - Where the Sidewalk Ends

They say us Californians are car-dependent and selfish. Oh, no, no, no-no. Look at the image again. I present to you your winner of today's Mope of the Day award right here in America, the State of Maryland, Gaithersburg, Kentlands.

Kiddo and I were walking home from school around our fondly self-named Tick Park (background-middle) and this car was parked in our path. Note the ample street parking opportunity. Note the focused texting situation. Note the cluelessness and selfishness. There was room in the driveway too. Apparently she was waiting for her teen daughter to do something or another at this residence.

We stood on the sidewalk for a couple of minutes to see if she'd notice and to decide how to pass (at least two literal minutes - count to 120 at 60 bpm to experience yourself). We're empiricists. We were the only two people on this sidewalk and the driver didn't notice us until we walked around the front of her car and arrived safely on the other side (because, as I taught my child, it is dangerous to walk around back of an idling vehicle)--whew! Our only choices were to walk into the busy street (el oh el) or onto private property so we chose the trespass route since she didn't see us at all. I think she only noticed because I stood there taking phone-pix. She was baffled and almost jumped out of the sunroof. I just smiled.

I wasn't a jerk about it or even said anything to her, so don't get yourself all 'tuded-up. I didn't even throw her this expression or anything: [clicky]. I was totally neutral, except that I documented the situation and evenly defined the words "clueless" and "selfish" to my offspring. She already knows "mope."

Perhaps I Never Posted Carla's Photo Before, 2007

It's the Wah-wah Sound

Ask Ty...November 20 [The Teabagger Question]

It must be Tuesday Friday, Middlespace Cadets, because I'm answering your questions

Q: Dear Ty,

I'm curious about your take on the lunacy of this "Teabagger" portion of our populace? I mean - in my opinion, they all come off as a bunch of terribly misguided and angry people - some of whom are openly racist, while others attempt to mask their racism under the banner of "Christianity" or even "Constitutionalism."

I've also started to notice how often the media is portraying them as Evangelical Wing-nuts - which, if I were a Regular Joe Christian, I would be really pissed off about. Why are we not seeing Regular Joe Christians standing up and distancing themselves from this movement? Why are they just letting these people cold-jack their ideology and dogma, and using it for overtly racist and selfish means? I know I would want to distance myself from any kind of extremism, you know?

What I mean by that, is this - The correlation I am making between Regular Joe Christians and Regular Joe Muslims is a simple one: people reacting to extremism by immediately saying things like:

"ALL CHRISTIANS HATE OBAMA AND THINK HE IS A SECRET MUSLIM SOCIALIST WHO IS KILLING AMERICAN VALUES!"

or

"EVERY MUSLIM HAS A BOMB UNDERNEATH THEIR CLOTHING AND WANTS TO KILL EVERYONE WHO IS NOT A MUSLIM!"

The Teabaggers keep on crying that there is a "Liberal Bias" in the portrayal of their movement. But really, all I see is a gang of inarticulate thugs trying to force their agenda down everyone's throat, because they didn't win an election - kind of like the kid who gets the short end of his wished-for stick on his birthday or something. "Ma - I WANTED A PONY, and all I got was OBAMA!!!"

Also - in the spirit of Alanis Morrissette - isn't it ironic that Regular Joe Christians are starting to feel the same fear and shame that Regular Joe Muslims were feeling in the earlier part of this decade?

Love,

- The Ghost Of Thomas Jefferson (Not Necessarily Stoned, But Beautiful)

Ty: It's Headphone Friday. So strap on and cue one of these up before you start reading. Either will fit:

Kids in the Street
The Greatest Story Ever Told - Live

Extremists are crazy, huh? In plenty of cases, the leadership of extremist groups and the followers of the leadership of extremist groups are clinically, diagnostically crazy as hell. Imagine if Glenn Beck and Tracy Morgan got gay-liberal married and had a baby. That baby would either be an accountant or the leader of some loud, ugly fringe group.

You mix any sort of mental illness with ignorance, and insecurity and you have the potential for a pretty messed-up situation. Now add The Fear that the [most-feared and oppressed group of choice] is somehow “taking over America!” (the women, the blacks, the Muslims, the Jesus Freaks, Jews, or whatever) and man-oh-man, we got ourselves a doozy. Now open the righteous umbrella of religion. Oops!

Welcome to 2010: the beginning of America’s Doozy Era. Seriously. We voted for the world’s coolest and smartest eloquent black president and what did we get? Not a lousy t-shirt or a fist bump, but we got a complimentary bag of nuts. Bitter wing nuts. It's like we painted ourselves into a corner with black-face [Ed. note: I've been waiting weeks to use that line]

So, and directly to your query, TJ (NNSBB), what is my “take on the lunacy of this "Teabagger" portion of our populace?” Shit, that’s like some automated, new-fangled fancy-ass, self-answering question there, don. These kooks are lunatics braying at the moon. But it’s not the moon that science explained is a spherical chunk of rock (now with water!) orbiting our spherical planet through the algorithms of gravity. No, these fools are braying at a liberal Jew conspiracy designed to send our babies to hell and take away guns. And the whole “fake space program” was proof too, they say. Some of these poor folk are the same people who believe that Satan had something to do with Hurricane Katrina and that dinosaurs are the product of a hoax. These ignorant rubes are all, "I need me some proof the world is flat" and stuff. Oh yeah, boo to Harry Potter too. But they are TeeVee news gold.

So when it comes to the idea that Barry Oh!® is a Socialist and a Nazi, they blindly run with that baton as some sort of "fact" when they can't even define the word "fact."And the Socialists and the Nazis—who also don’t like the president for different reasons—are like, what you talkin’ ‘bout, Willis?

And at the same time, Barry Oh!® somehow hates white people and is going to enslave them because he is racist. It’s so fucking crazy that it’s not even morosely funny anymore. I mean, to some of these kind people, our president is somehow a Muslim but the Muslims are like, what you talkin’ ‘bout, Willis? You ain’t gonna see any Hope & Change bumper stickers in the Westboro Baptist Church parking lot or on a donkey cart in Khewa.

I thought we played-out that phrase, “you can’t have it both ways” during the Clinton administration. You remember that vast right wing conspiracy. Where was the so-called liberal media then? In fact, where was the so-called liberal media during Bush's administration?

Oy! Let’s forget the media. Liberal Elitist or Fair & Balanced or whatever, the MSM generally sucks. So let’s take the media out of the discussion for now. Too maddening.

So, you are so right, TJ (NNSBB). Regular, good guy "Joe Christian" should be pissed as hell. If I were "Joe Christian," living my life, paying my taxes and wearing my Sunday Best every week, I’d be kind of frightened by how a weirdo but very loud minority of zealots are branding the faithful as idiots and kooks. I know plenty of intelligent, thoughtful, and fair people of all faiths. It is possible. It is even the norm, perhaps. As a Christian I'd feel ashamed and embarrassed of the teabag kooks (as I already do as an American).

Now take the Ft. Hood shootings. One of my first reactions was how much that crazy-ass meltdown must make regular, good guy, "Joe Muslim" feel so ashamed and embarrassed. TJ (NNSBB) is right: Ideology has been cold-jacked like a motherfucker in this, our planet's Doozy Era. I'll say it again, the only voices being heard are from the SurroundSound extremes. Turn that volume down, DJ!

I don't know if it will be an overall positive or negative long-term outcome but the extremes have made themselves the subject of ridicule and scorn (Sarah Palin and the rest). The sad thing is that same ridicule and scorn trickles down like Reaganomics never did to the people who are just trying to live their lives faithful to their gods. Just because you go to church or mosque or synagogue shouldn’t mean that 1) you hate everyone else’s gods and the people who worship in that particular manner, or; 2) that you’re a just plain crazy as hell.

The whole crazy-as-hell thing only reinforces my decision to not believe in gods or sticks or séances or the Mayan calendar or anything other than peer-reviewed data-driven SCIENCE (hello mathematics, I love ya!). No diss to anybody's religion but my science is kind of like my religion and science is whispering in my ear for me to blow anything up or pray for anybody to die because they scare me. Science already proves that we're all going to die anyway. Shouldn't our reaction be to have some fun? Enjoy the ride?

Bottom line is that we have become a mal-educated species. We developed our collective brain to a point were survival became easy. So some of us lack the fundamentals of reasoning and logic because it was never taught to us. Some of us are not able to make simple connections or perform thoughtful cognitive analyses. It's sad yet the tr00f. We've all become so ADD, paranoid, and reactionary. And in America, obese. We can update Facebook at 80 MPH on the freeway but we still think that dragons were real. So we rely on the loudest people on the TeeVee or the village to tell us how to think.

And for my "educated" extremist friends I ask, what are you so afraid of?

And to answer your question with a question TJ (NNSBB), "Isn’t it ironic?" Don't you think?

I could go on and on. I open the discussion to the comments. Have a good weekend with science.

Just a guess,

-ty


[Buy your shirt for the holy days]

Introducing Manniyer Mark

Will you look at that face? That's my business manager, Mark. I call him "Manniyer Mark" like the Dominicans at Barnes & Noble call their store manager when they're not ranting about jefe loco. Manniyer Mark. Roll the R's.

Don't get the impression from the image that jefe's angry...with me. Well, he's not really ever angry at me, but he does often get excited about "making things happen" at a pace a little more brisk than I have grown accustomed. "Artists are just too damn lazy," he says.

But that's not the angry face, or the excited face.

That is the WTF? face. Manniyer Mark was showing me the face he believed he was making one morning as he was getting dressed for work, tying his tie, listening to NPR, dreading his corporate existence, and he caught sight of me walking up the street. Apparently, I was wearing shorts, a pork pie hat, and argyle socks. I was carrying Brenn in a backpack. Mark said, "I remember thinking, what the fuck is the deal with this guy?" Apparently that's how I look every day; unlike the other "corporate inmates."

Manniyer Mark also recalled thinking, "That guy has a style, I just didn't know what the hell that style was supposed to be. Or if it was good." Ha! Guilty. Me neither.

He reminded me about the time I walked up to him while he was working in his garage and I asked to take his photo (July 4, 2007). He agreed but was so thrown off--I took the photograph and then wandered away, as I do--that he began to kind of study me and try to figure what the deal was. And if there was any cash in it.

The rest is history, blah-blah-blah. Now he has the lawyer telling me which posts to pull (like yesterday's "collage"). Now he's telling me what "nuggets to drop" into posts and such. Check this from this morning:

hey need to metnion a few ideas:

1) try to mention the project each day in your blog to keep building the interest, what about a count down of days? But lets leavfe it vague to keep the interst

2) i think it is Ok to mention me in post but it does seem a bit much to reveal the inner deliberations and workings. this isn't about me, remember. shouldnt be childish. advice: scale back

3) do a section called "Cool Shit" where people send us cool shit for free and we revew it on the site? two conditions if they send a t-shit is has to be two so we dont fiight over it and they need to give us a free link on there site? Free Cool SHit!

m

All I can think of is, was he texting while driving? That's illegal now. And note that in Action Item #2 he clumsily thumbs, "This isn't about me" yet in Action Item #3 he txts that I should have people send stuff to us...for free (but I shouldn't be childish).

WTF? I should be making that face. Oh, and Mark nixed the fanny pack idea in favor of what "the kids are using":
Now I see he's emailing with my friends. Next thing you know I'll be "positioned" as the son of a Nigerian forestry minister with 85$ million US in the bank. Send your bank account numbers, kids! Oh, and Free Cool Shit too!

This Was Yesterday Afternoon

Quit Frontin' Black History Mumph

I know it's not February but I'm thinking about Black History Month. But since I historically mix February and November (and vice versa), it only makes sense to discuss today. Plus I'm feeling a little Skip Gates and decided that a hipster lecture is due.

The Wiki says that "Black History Month is a remembrance of important people and events in the history of the African diaspora." For you lowly-educated/third-tier college mopes, diaspora means "a movement of any population sharing common ethnic identity who were either forced to leave or voluntarily left their settled territory, and became residents in areas often far removed from the former." You have your Europeans to the New World, you have your Mexicans to Iowa, and the Cubans to Miami. You get it, blah-blah-blah! And then there's the Africans....

What?! Like Weezie said on the TeeVee's The Jeffersons, "Nigger please!"* Here's my chief objection: "...and became residents in areas often far removed form the former."

*I know I can't use the N-word anymore but, seriously, Weezie said that. It's a TeeVee classic and a direct quotation [clicky, go to 2:00].

Scene begin.

"Hey Kunte, I just read here in today's Gambian Financial Daily that things are really picking up in The New World of America. Perhaps we should buy a vacation house there?"

Scene end.

Diaspora? Population movement, huh? I'm not talking about Hurricane Katrina relocations to Utah or the mass Vietnamese immigration after 1975--where people's lives were saved--I'm talking about the only reason black people are in these United States, and anywhere outside of Africa, in the first damn place (and not just to be the president): Slavery, people. Slavery!

If you do your WikiInternet mathematics correctly, you'll see that Black History Month + Diaspora = Hey, darks, let's take a whole damn month and force you to remember that your black ass was somebody's property to be raped, beaten, and worked like a goddamn robot, ha-ha! We play joke! At least it's the year's shortest month. Thank G-d.

Who's in charge of designating commemorative months, anyway? Apparently, anyone can do it given such commemorations as, Better Breakfast Month (September), Audiobook Month (June), and Mental Retardation Month (March) where, in a perfect world, we'd all get to act as retarded as we wanted. I wouldn't be surprised if the KKK didn't make up this whole Black History Month bullshit just to be jerks.

I say, fuck you Slave Memory Month! I'm over it; I've moved on because Bank of America has foreclosed on your plantation! From today forward, can we stop celebrating this celebration of humiliation, please? It's just insulting, like Morgan Freeman said. [And, yes, Morgan Freeman, there is a Jewish History Month (it's in May). Oh, sorry, that's Jewish American History Month. You can sue me with a Jewish lawyer.]

I get it. I really do. I'm not an insensitive guy [he types as he quietly laughs aloud]. But we just have to take a step back and look at our national black situation. We have to put things in context. Perspective. For a while in the late 60's The Negros were all, "let's name streets and schools and civic buildings after our people too!" OK, look where that got us. Where's the Martin Luther King, Jr. airport? None, right? Sure there are plenty of Martin Luther King, Jr. Boulevards near airports because airports are loud and busy and planes crash near airports. The streets named after black people are generally where the poor people live. And remember the rule: black people usually are the poor people.

How many Whole Foods are on Malcolm X Avenue? Conversely, how many Harriet Tubman rec centers serve neighborhoods with stately McMansions? See? This let's-get-ours-too attitude only segregated us further. If someone tells you that you have to drive down Huey P. Newton Parkway, you're gonna lock you doors and hide your iPod before you exit the freeway.

Looking at February, did you know that it's not only Black History Month? So-called "black history" shares the month with over 25 other commemorations, like (annotated):

• National Sweet Potato Month (yams, seriously?)
  
• National Boost-Your-Self-Esteem Month (OK, now it's insulting)
  
• National Canned Food Month (what?)
  
• National Hot Breakfast Month (good, free hot breakfast programs are cute)
  
• National Snack Food Month (to follow your free hot breakfast: HoHos!)
  
• National Dental Month ('cuz a brotha gots ta smile!)
  
• Return Shopping Carts to the Supermarket Month (I couldn't have made this up)
  
• Chocolate Lover's Month (once you go black...)
  
• North Carolina Sweet Potato Month (again, yams!)
  
• National Pudding-Snack Month (the Coz, really?)
  
• Creative Romance Month (Mandingo fetish, once you go black...)
• Canadian History Month (along with the Mexicans, the other North American niggers)
  
• Native American Heritage Month (the original North America nigger)
  

See what I mean? This commemorative month business is crazy and insulting as hell. The biggest problem with BHM is that all commemorative months and weeks and days are meaningless. Like I mentioned, anyone with a notion can make up, promote, and "celebrate" any damn thing they want. It doesn't demonstrate any sort of Change or Hope® in any sort of real or meaningful terms. I mean, just because it's Return Sopping Carts to the Supermarket Month doesn't mean I have to do that shit. I can leave the damn cart on the lawn next to my old washing machine and my Camaro that I'm gonna fix up if I want. There are no laws or even norms attached to this commemorative nonsense.

Now that we have a famous black socialist president, can't we quit striving and assimilating and just enjoy the fact that we've arrived? Goodbye Black History Mumph, we're post-racial now.

I'm an American. Quit frontin'!